Shrinking Violet

There were two things that I noticed on my way to the bus stop today (well three but the new post-box is not a plot point in today’s post, so for aesthetic reasons I’ve chosen to leave it out (yer you heard me these have plots)). The first one is that there was a woman at the bus stop (that another person is at the bus stop is an occurrence just infrequent enough to make it commentable but not enough for an entire post on it’s own) she was just over middle age (over 60 as I saw that she was the holder (maybe proud) of a pensioners bus pass (hers I assumed)) and standing in my leaning spot, this is the best spot to stand and look out for busses. So I elected to delegate the responsibility of bus catching to her and allow myself the rare pleasure of sitting on the bench at the bus stop. Now this position leave me oblivious to the traffic on the road and in normal circumstances I would feel anxious that I may miss the bus, however this woman somehow gave off an aura of trustfulness and looked switched on (she had selected the best place for her duties). The second thing I noticed was that someone had managed to take a small tesco trolley about half a mile from tesco (quite a feet when you factor in the anti thievery breaks that these are fitted with. As any would be trolley snatcher will tell you) and elected to leave it on the side of the road by my bus shelter (and the aforementioned post box).

Now I was sitting and wondering what course of events had unfolded which perambulated this lattice consumables mover from it’s home to it’s current position, and who is responsible for the return of said article to it’s rightful owners, when a council van turned up. The van was one of those that used to carry waste paper to be incinerated but have latterly been converted so that they can take all kinds of recyclable goods to the appropriate reclamation centres. A man dressed in council apparel (florescent bib ‘n’ all) got out and preceded to take the trolley and stow it in his van. Once the trolley was secure in his van he looked at us at the stop smiled at the woman, she smiled back and then said something, I thought “oh a love interest this might be bloggable” so pricked up my ears to listen, the engine of the van was running the whole time (thus increasing any environmental impact it is designed to reduce) so it was only after the woman’s third, progressively louder utterance that I could decipher what she was saying. It was along the lines of “what about that bit of rubbish/ paper over there/ in that bush” not the most arousing pick up line I have ever heard but 10 out of 10 for innovation. It took the van man a further 2 progressively louder attempts to hear what she was saying (please don’t think ill of him as he was further away and closer to the vans engine than me) we all looked toward the bush at this point then came the shout of “oh sorry they are flowers!” it was at this point that I started to doubt the woman’s bus spotting abilities.

Cumbamear

I picked up my magazine, switched on Baddeal & skinner and left work after a tiring day of buying and selling (hopefully from that opening you think I am some kind o high powered stock trader) (maybe I am), ready for a relaxing bus ride home (a stock trader taking the bus! Whatever next), of course this did not happen.

As I approached the bus stop I saw my bus friend and my heart sank. When I initially realised that some one I knew travelled on my bus I was excited, I had some one to talk to during the hour or so ride home, some one to share my bus stories with and maybe an ally against the abysmal passenger services that we receive on a daily basis. At first we used to act as acquaintances do, occasionally talk but more often than not just sit listening to our ipods, because we knew we had nothing to say. At some point I don’t know when, our relationship developed into a friendship and the talking consequently escalated, it was only when one of us was tired or particularly enjoying our tunes that we did not talk. Some how we are now firm friends, whenever we see each other out come the headphones and we engage in conversation. It has become a sort of race as to who can see the other first and de headphone. Then we have The Conversation, The Conversation goes thus, “hi mate how you doing?” good thanx, you?” “Alright” “busy day?” “ No it’s been dead/ yes it’s been hectic” “I don’t mind it dead it means I get to do nothing/ I don’t mind it busy it means I’m not board and we get more sales”. We have had this conversation so many times that either of us can take either role. We then talk about nothing in particular till the bus comes. When the bus comes I get on after my friend, my friend chooses the first seat (the disabled seat, I don’t like this cos I can’t look at the back of other peoples head and I may have to get up and give up my seat to some one more deserving, I don’t mind the getting up, it’s the judging if a person is old or infirm enough to need a seat and not be offended by my offer that concerns me, frankly all the time I’m sitting in the seat so I can never truly relax) he tells me to sit next to the window cos he gets off first (thus trapping me in making me unable to offer my seat to the needy yet just as susceptible to there evil stairs that imply entitlement and hate in equal measure).

So we carried on along our journey magazine resting on the ledge in front ipod nestling in it’s belt cradle, we chatted inanely, I wondered idly how the story of David Baddeal in a roger de corsy mask might finished. Then the bus stopped and the surly central European driver told a woman (Kenyan I would say, by the rich accent and controlled diction) to get off, she said “ah is this Thornbury already” he said “yes” (it wasn’t) she said “ok where is cumbamear?” he mumbled something about end of ticket she got confused and asked if it was Thornbury again he said it was again and said something about the ticket. She asked for directions to cumbamear again he mumbled some more and looked angry. My mate was still chatting inanely about something or other oblivious to the plight of this woman, along with everyone else in the bus, so at this point I was forced by common decency to tell the woman that this was not Thornbury it was in fact Aztec West several miles from her desired destination (the driver did not like this at all), she asked if this was the Thornbury bus as she had been told to get on the wrong bus before and was already quite late. I said it was and that I was going there and I would tell her where cumbamear is when we get there (cos I get off after that stop) she then sat down, the bus driver told her that she would have to get off, she suggested that if this was the right bus she may have the wrong ticket and would like to pay for the correct one, this idea seamed unusually genius to the driver so he with and expression of bemusement (and a sleigh wicked glance at me) accepted her fair and let her sit down. She told me that he probably should have told he from the start or even when he was about to chuck her off that there was another option, I agreed.

Now this woman is yet another acquaintance keeping me from my ipod, even after my bus friend got off she periodically spoke to me about the driver and to thank me throughout the journey. As often happens on my bus (and maybe yours) people rang the bell and got up to the front in order to get of in a timely manner. One of these was a very nice young lady listening to an ipod, I checked out the ipod (5g white 30gig) and her arse (denim clad, perky but abit petit for my taste) then she turned round smiled and said that she thought that I had been really kind to that lady and just had to thank me, of course by instinct my reply was suave and witty “umm…er… that’s ok thanx” then I smiled she smiled again and got off the bus, I rued my missed opportunity and continued my journey. We got to the ladies stop I rang the bell told her the directions she thanked me, I was finally able to put on Baddeal and skinner, open up my MacWorld and settled down to a few minuets of technophilic delight mixed with world cup based humour. Five minuets later I alighted the bus with one extra enemy but two more friends.

Busmans Lunch

Contra to popular contention I do actually like to look after myself, to this end recently at lunch time I have forgone the standard shopping mall fair or burgers/fried chicken/pasties and instead go for the healthy option, the boots option a sandwich, bag of crisps/ choc bar, and drink (under £1.35) for only £3(I am well aware that this option does leave me with no dessert but there is a Thornton’s nearby that’s that sorted). So today for lunch I tootled off towards boots (using the stairs cos it’s good for your heart) but today was a special day, the sandwich (usually £2.10 each) were discounted down to 75p per pack that’s a mere 35% of the sticker price, how could I pass up such a barging? I purchased my sandwiches (Thai prawn and new York deli) and the rest of my meal. (Don’t worry I will get onto the bus soon(ish).) I had eaten 3 sandwiches when it dawned on me that I was not going to be able to eat the crisp component of my meal. I finished the sandwiches stowed the crisps in a safe pocket and put my appletiser in the fridge. For I knew that I may want them at a later time.

Upon leaving work I felt understandably peckish and not unparched so out came the crisps and drink I popped open the crackerjack lime and coriander bag and glugged the reminder of my fizzy fruit beverage. As I approached the bus stop I saw my bus friend with whom I often converse, he took off his headphones and I pocketed the crisps out of courtesy. We chatted and got on the bus then we chatted some more on the bus at some point in my journey I absentmindedly took out my snack and started to munch, so there I was chatting and munching, then I slowly realised, I had not offered him one of my crisps, how must he feel watching me gauge myself on a healthy flavoursome corn treat? At once I knew what to do (for I am a man fleet of thought), I would offer him a crisp he would accept and we would, for a moment both bond over the tangy yet refreshing flavours of the orient.

So I glanced down at my bag opened it up so it looked inviting for him to select his present from. But upon looking into the fully unfurled bag I was struck with horror, I only had one crisp and a slither left! When offered this pitiful selection what would he do? Would he take the crisp knowing that I had eaten the rest of the packet and feel guilty for the rest of the day? Would he take the slither for fear of depriving me of the final treat and feel and slighted? Would he decline citing some fictitious future meal? How long would it take him to make his choice? I knew I could not put a fellow human being in such a position of stress. I scooped both shard and crisp into my mouth chewed and swallowed. Problem over, for now.

Double Decker

We got a double decker today. It didn't affect me cos i sat on the lower deck.

Thirst mistake

Today I took the bus to the bus station in town, twice, it was a hot day so I decided to quench my thirst by buying the over priced environmentally unfriendly lukewarm water in the bus station shop. The first attempt was an abject failure I picked up my water joined the cue at which point my bus pulled up, no worries I thought Its just pulled up there is a big cue of people ready to get on the bus and a small cue of people waiting to buy snacks, publications and beverages. I was wrong there was a need to worry what I didn’t account for was the ineptitude of the cashiers and the multinationalisum of the clientele. You can imagine what happened confused people tried to buy wildly overpriced produce ignorant cashiered tried to communicate with them, it wasn’t a pretty sight. So as time progressed the bus cue got shorter and shorter, the shop cue stayed the same length and I learned about Rooney’s foot. It came to the point that I had to make the decision of course I put my water back in the “cooler” and boarded the bus, which I sat in for a full five minuets before it pulled out.

On my second trip to the station now even hotter and thirstier I again attempted to buy the water, I’ll tell you now that I got the water, but not without some palaver. When I entered the shop one other man was in there he picked up an oasis (open poor be yourself once more) orange and mango (or something) drink, and took it to the counter. I picked up my bottle of water (Malvern it’s been filtered through the aqueduct under an impenetrable lave flow for 5000 years you know) stood behind the man at the till thus forming a cue. The man presented his oasis to the cashier who informed him that oasis drinks cost £1.80 he then said “no fanta fruit twists cost £1.20 look it says there” he then pointed to a sign which proved him right fanta fruit twists does indeed cost £1.20. this confused me and the cashier then the cashier supervisor said no sir that is an oasis (he didn’t mention the slogan) now the man is confused, he was one off those people who had planed ahead and realised that to buy stuff you need money so had got the correct change out so he now need to get more money out. It turns out that all the rest of the money he has is in coppers which he takes great jollity in counting out, apparently this is a really fun game which I had not been aware off before as both the cashier and cashier’s supervisor also enjoy it very much. Finally the correct monies are exchanged for goods received. The man departs I take his place and pay for my water the supervisor makes a joke about the mental state of the cashier and I laugh. All this for 250ml.

Drivers Challenge Day

On Saturday the 10th RAF Cornwall are hosting a drivers challenge day organised by the institute of advanced motoring. At this event drivers can see and drive Lorries, fire engines and sports cars they can also take the famous I.A.M. advanced driving test if they wish. How do I know all of this? There was a poster was advertising this driving utopia, in the bus!

S.G.F.

As you may or may not have noticed it is summer, of course this is a good thing because flowers flourish, grass grows and the sun shines. However these are also bad because hay fever happens the grass needs to be mown and sunglass etiquette is the order of the day. Normal sunglass etiquette is quite simple, indoors off outdoors on or off depending on the glair (you can judge this for yourself) and rock star always on no matter what (I have often thought about writing a rock album to simplify my sunglass situation, but it will never happen). At the bus stop today I was pondering the grey areas of S.G.E. at which point of dusk should one remove the eye glasses, whether a bus shelter counted as inside or outside ( I opted to avoid the issue by standing on the tarmac in front of the shelter and keep them on) however there was one issue that I could not avoid and it was growing bigger with every second that passed (if you can’t guess what it is by know you really should go home) of course it was whether one should keep the shades on on the bus, after all the bus is almost 40% glass (untinted) and can get very sunny, on the other hand no one wears sun glasses in a conservatory, but they may do in a green house. So as time passed and the bus got later and later my opinion toed and frowed between the points of view. And only 7 minuets later than it should have been, the bus pulled up, the doors opened and I looked upon a the well shaded eyes of a bus driver, problem solved.

Summer Rain

It was a hot day today, I finished work at five cos it’s a Sunday and cos it’s a Sunday everyone finished work and shopping at the same time (due to the frankly bizarre opening hours law (is it really a sin to buy a game at 5:10?) so the bus stop and benches were crowded, I stood for a while then gave in and sat on the curb near the rat killing box. After about two minuets the rain came at first it spotted, this was good it meant that people who had not been on their feet for 6 hours (costumers some call then) got up from the bench and moved to the shelter of the shelter, I put on my coat and took a seat, later the rain really came, this was bad cos it meant that I got wet, more people moved to the shelter. I was almost alone on my bench listening to my ipod. Then it happened my bench partner spoke to me, at first It was ok he had a point, six flag on a car is bordering on the ridiculous, I laughed (in hindsight I may have laughed to well, I was only trying to be polite) he took this as a signal that we were friends so asked me if I was waiting for the 309 ( he knew full well that I was cos we were bus buddies on the way up there in the morning) then made some comment about the polish driver (it could have been racist I couldn’t hear over 99 luftbollons). I got on the bus last so I could chose not to sit next to this bloke and consummate our friendship, it made me wetter.