ce journal est en français

Today on the bus i was sitting behind a woman reading a newspaper, a normal occurrence you might think, as i did until something caught my keen eye, the headline read "ce journal est en français" on further inspection i discovers that every word was french.

An entire newspaper in french, imagine that!

Morality

when one travels the busses one is not merely aboard a conveyance, cocooned from the issues and moral mire that make up modern life, as might be expected. Rather many of the questions that can be dismissed or at least put to one side in the day to day world are thrust to the forefront maybe even amplified by the magnificent steel carriage as it hurtles (stopping every so often at designated destinations) through the inhospitable night.

Today one other moral quandary caught my peripheral vision and proceeded to elbowed it's way to the front of my consciousness.

I was sitting in the middle of the bus had a seat to myself, and a good vista of the rest of the bus and passengers. My mind was idly drifting from subject ( the implications of the governments incompetence with personal data (end to the id card debate?)) to unconnected subject (john terrys foot injury and it's impact of Chelsea's critical christmas fixture schedule).

When the bus pulled to a holt to allow a fellow passenger to alight, this passenger we in front of me so as anyone would, i looked at her, in order to gain a greater understanding of this character who had chosen to holt the bus here, thus making my journey only slightly, but still longer than it needs to be.

She was middle aged and had many bags of shopping (which she took an inordernat amount of time to gather and carry off the bus elongating my journey even further!) as she was about to get off the bus i noticed that she had left her news paper. As I'm sure you would gentle reader i motioned to get up and reunite paper with reader. Luckily before the motion could be completed i spied the words 'Daily Mail' on the mast head! and it was at that instant that i was plunged into my very own moral maze; On one hand the paper (notice how the word news has been dropped) belonged to this woman she had paid (one assumes) for it so it was her property, On the other it's the daily mail a hate filled rag of lies and bigotry. which is the kindest course of action? to allow her to consume the hate and fact twisting of the great satan? or stand by as a fellow human being is disunited with one of her newly acquired possessions?

It was late whatever shops were open would surely be sold out of there meager allocation of libel and scandal raped up in a convenient tabloid rapper for today. what if she had nearly done the sudoku? what if she had yesterdays crossword at home and had waited all day to discover if 3 across was really occultation even if it didn't fit with that nailed on cert of mangrove for 7 down?

What did i do? i did what was right.

Ad hoc arm rest

On the way back we had a double decker, the bottom was crowded so i took my seat atop. My usual bus has large window ledges which i use to rest my elbow on. One of the many shortcomings of the double decker is that it is not equipped with such ample shelf room. For about five minutes did not know that to do with my arm, so i put my book on the seat wedged it between myself and the side of the bus thus creating a rudimentary armrest, a little to low but it did. I will carry a larger book with me in future, I hope not to have to use it.

Change Ticket

Some things i learned on the bus today;

Though they give them out bus driver do not accept change tickets.

It is not of the bus drivers concern how i get to work.

In birmingham passengers do not speak to bus drivers

It is preferable to bring the correct change on the bus.

Bus drivers do not cary a float.

It is easy for me to reclaim the value of a change ticket at the bus station.

It is hard for a bus driver to reclaim the value of a change ticket at the bus station.

If one decides not to pay for a journey the driver switches off the engine and threatens to evacuate the bus once one has taken ones seat.

The bus driver still gets paid for doing this even though he is technically not driving.

Bus drivers are not good at mental arithmetic.



Some things my driver learned on the bus today;

I need to go to work.

We are not in birmingham.

Cash-points do not dispense coins.

It is preferable to carry a float .

I do not go to the bus station.

He goes to the bus station every day.

People do not get off a bus just because the driver says the word evacuate!

The change from a £4.80 change ticket and 50p for a £5.20 fair is 10p

Drivers do take change tickets...eventually.

Turning Japanese

No matter how attentively you listen you cannot learn Japanese by listening to people converse in it, not in an hour anyway.

Tea

Tea the very sound and shape of that word is relaxing, it is a truly wonderful drink that forever conects gread britan with her collonial past. But today tea rather than brining me relaxation Tea became the envoy of stress.

there was a bus in the ushual bus bay so as often happens the bus parked in the bay behind necessitating the movement of about 15 people from one stop to the other each trying to gain a place or two in the cue all the wile trying desperatly to look nonselant as if they were simply moveing toward the bus and not engaging in a PETTY strugle for statusand and comfort. fortunately i was late and walking towards the stop so got to the head of the cue, HA take that plebs.

upon taking my usual seat i noticed something unusual a cup from a tea shop on the floor. no problem i thought as i picked it up to put it in the bin. there was a problem however it was full. so i quickly set it back down moved closer towards the window. fill cups of tea and moving busses with 20 year old suspension do not make good bedfellows, this is the fact that i was all to aware of a fact that kept me in a perpetual state of vigilance, and terror while trying to project an air of detached serenity (i think i did it quite well). i got to my stop without the teat spilling and left it for some other sucker.

Tall Man

the tall man was on the bus again today, his head sways with the motion of the bus, i suppose most peoples do but his is eventuated but to his size. it's mesmerizing.

£ (2)

the bus was empty today. that is fortunate because i dropped a pound and as it was empty i was able to scrabble around on the floor to retrieve it. if i had not been so desolate i may have had to repay the cosmos back for that pound i found. which would have been rubbish, cos i like pounds.

Winter cleanout

Busses run on their own schedule and not mine, for some reason. As a result of this i have to wait at stops for them to appear. As a busy on the go type of chap i loath to consider this brief hiatus in my daily activities as down time, so often carry out location nonspecific day to day tasks. Today was no different. As i was by a bin i took to opportunity to sort out the crap in my wallet. I took out all the receipts that had accumulated over time and sorted them into ones that i needed to keep and ones that i could discard. It turned out that the all fell into the latter category. So there i stood wallet in one hand pieces of dog eared paper invaluable to the id thief in the other. A bus did not suddenly start up a bird did not flit into my field of vision there is no simple explanation to it, but i then threw my wallet into the bin. i did not mean to do this. I will end todays blog here because the events that follow are to ignominious to recount.

Merry christmas

on the way home as i gave the driver my ticked i took my first tentative steps into the festive season and wished him a merry christmas. he did not great this with the warmth and good humor i had expected. slightly deflated i made my way to my seat and dwelt on the situation.

After a few brief minutes of contemplation i realised my mistake. i should have wished him a merry christmas as i exited the bus not as i boarded, by wishing someone a merry christmas you are automatically assuming that you will not see that person again before that day. in all probability i would see that driver again as i exited the bus. by wishing him a merry christmas on entry i was implying that i would not be exiting the bus in a normal fashion and leaving the implication that he is a bad driver. and would crash the bus forcing me to leave it via an emergency exit or more likely by being thrown through the windows. it would be inappropriate to wish anyone a merry christmas in these circumstances and the christmas cheer would probably be drowned out. i offer this not as entertainment, but as a warning. chose you merry christmases carefully. i hope i don't get him again till the new year.

It's open

As you will no doubt have realised a bus lane has been constructed on my route from work. today the cones were removed (i was not present at the time so am unaware as to whether this was with or without ceremony, i will keep my eyes on the local press for you) this simple (or elaborate as it may be) act transformed a sparsely trafficked left turn lane which busses had the right to, and did use to speed through traffic into a fully sign posted and red tarmaced bus lane which people wishing to turn left can use.

the driver chose not to use it.

Tumbel Rumble

i have two shirts for work, this is significant because the number of shirts i have for work is fewer than infinity so i must re-wear these shirts, the upshot of this is that i have to wash them, and regularly do.

today i did the washing part fine the shirt was perfectly washed and everything was looking good, but as many of you will be aware washing does significantly increase the moisture contend of any garment. "no problem" i thought as i turned to my trusty tumble dryer. "you shall dry my shirt in no time".

i looked at the shirt label and then at the controls on the tumble dryer, the label instructions were simple enough. "DO NOT TUMBEL DRY" i could understand those instantly. the instructions on the tumble dryer where however not as lucid. so incoherent are they that i feel compelled to describe them to you at lenght.

on the front of the tumble dryer to the left of the tumble dryer there is a table in black and yellow that goes on about rpm and type and weight of fabric (there is no discernible way to set the rpm. my shirt is blue it appears that blue is the only fabric that they did not put in this table) there are also three buttons "open door" "low temp" and "start" (this button is in an authoritative yellow and set apart from the other two. to the right of these buttons is a dial covered in numbers half are in black and half are in yellow (a nice unifying theme i would have thought if i have been judging the machine by it's aesthetics rather then its ease of use and drying abilities) the black and yellow numbers turn out to be units of time less than an hours but over seconds. the black is labeled high and goes up to 150 and the yellow is labeled low and goes up to 100 this did not clarify the situation at all. undeterred i remember that i have a key that tells me how to wash and dry things so i looked at that. it explains that if you have a box with a circle in it it should be dried at low. the same image with a dot in the middle is normal and with two dots goes on high ( it tentatively suggests that 3 dots should be very high but not many people use this but implies that they should) i do not have any symbols or normal mode i have a dial with high and low on and a button to press to reenforce the message that i want my clothes done on low incase i think my dryer might suddenly set it's-self to high behind my back.

i put the shirt in on low for 30 minutes and press the low button (because all i have left due to the confusion) and eat some toast. four slices and twenty seven minutes later i return to watch the dryer finish up (this is very dull as the door is solid metal) open it up and take out my slightly less damp shirt. i put it on and a jumper over the top and by the time the bus arrives at it's destination it is dry. with a few stylish creases to boot.

i know this did not strictly happen on the bus, but how rubbish would a blog saying "my shirt was soggy at the beginning by dry by the end" be?

on the duel caraway new signs are being put up out covered in lack bin bags, i wonder what they say. i think i saw a man with a pot of paint putting writing a B on the tarmac. but it could have been a P.

santa 2

i saw father christmas again today. this time he was in the high street. he didn't wave at me but was hugging an elf.

the tarmac on the coned off section of the duel carriage-way is being sprayed red.

Ouch

If you ride the same bus route often enough you start to have built up quasi friendships with certan drivers, exchanging plesantries and the occasional humourus comment with them. It may seam that this is an agreable way for one to carry out the daily commute, and it would be if it were not for the inevitable yang to this blissful ying. while certan drivers could be considered friends others are undoubtably enamies these drivers sneer when they are not handed the exact fair and break in an uncooth and abrasive manner.

today i had one of the nice drivers (the one who missed my stop twice previously.) since that incident we have often exchanged nods and laughs. he was driving a different bus today, slightly shorter and older than the standard with less seats and more rickety hand rails.

At university the main form of bus on my route was of the bendy variety these had two exit points. the front door from which we all boarded and the back door. The seat i prefered was on the back right just behind the set of four seats. that seat was closest to the back door, a door exactly the same as the front door except that it was closer to many seats and once the passengers had exited the bus it took less time for them to get home. for some reason the drivers did not like to open these doors so in order to get out of these exits once bell had been rung we had to stand up by the door befor the bus had stopped. most of the time it oppened but sometimes we had to use the emergency escape button.

since university i have continued the habbit of rining the bell getting up from my seat and moving towards the door befor the bus stops. today i did not differ from this routine, i rang the bell, got up, walked to the front, popped a headphone out thanked the driver he joked with me, i then turned round and walked in to the door. ouch.

one lane on the duel caraway from where i work to the main road has been coned off.

A tale of two journeys

The bus was late and crowded today. i suspect these two facts are not unconnected but will spare you my opinions on woefully optimistic bus timetabling and inexplicably crowed Tuesdays. my stop is pretty near the start of the bus route, so i invariably get my pick of the seats (i have now settled on the raised one with the hight back max leg room minimum back supporting work) it is the normal that i get this seat to myself for the full journey. today i when i got on there were two free seats so i took one next to a woman reading the metro in a rather spread out manner. and left another to contend with the napping balding man.

i was uncomfortable, but seated. a full three minuets when by with me sitting quite contently on my slither of fluffy nylon, that was until we turned into the high street. the stop was almost entirely obscured by people. so much so that i was rather proud of the bus driver for noticing it was there and stopping, until the bus left and i saw "BUS STOP" emblazoned in yellow paint on the road. in this crowd was a variety of people, short ones, tall ones (the main reason for the stop being camouflaged today) old people, young adults,parents, children and toddlers (i know they are children but it is such a enjoyably descriptive and aesthetically pleasing word). all of these people were more deserving than me of a seat so naturally i offered mine to an old man. he was being so fussed over by his daughter trying to find him a seat that he didn't hear me offer (even tho i did say it quite loud accounting for the possibility of degraded hearing due to age). i then offer my seat to a nice old woman she thanked me and took me up on the offer. i did not mind giving my seat up, she was three to four times my age so must have stood more than me, it's only fair.

due to it's over crowding the bus took longer to get up the hill and he had to drive past some people and not pick them up ( i thought he could have fitted on a couple more but apparently there was a plastic sign that had more of a handle on exactly how much space there was on the bus and how big these people were than my eyes.)

if you have read some of my previous blogs you may know that i do not sit in the shelter but on a bench near but not to close to my stop at work. today was no different. there was one difference. as usually when the bus pulled in to it's stop i got up and strowed to the back of the cue, however if you imagine the bus the cue was at a 45 degree angle and i was approaching from the same angle but the opposite direction, if you were to draw a line on the cue put a line at 90 degrees to the bus and then draw a line mirroring the cues line i would be walking on that line. so now you know how i was walking. as i walked up and tried to walk past the people i was right by the door ( the point where the line of the bus both 45 degree lines and the 90 degree line intersect) the door opened, i expected my fellow travelers to scurry on the bus out of the scrawly rain, they did not, they all took a step back and waved me onto the bus, i took a step back and gestured them on the bus with an expression of "i've only just got here you were clearly first don't be silly get on" to that the gesticulated to me "no really you can get on first" what could i do? i got on first. it was a strange situation, maybe they had heard about my morning journey, maybe they were impressed by my stride or hair beard combo. what ever it was it felt so right. i hope this is a signal of bus journeys to come. i expect so.

Santa

A rather wet Father christmas waved at our rather crowded bus, only one person waved back. He was I.

Giant

today the bus was late. it was so late that when it came i had been sitting down in the same position for so long i had forgoten my height and was surprised how tall i was when i stood up.

Seat!

the bus was crowded even before i got on today, so i had to sit next to someone else. i chose someone who i knew from previous journey would get off in about 10 minuets leaving me 20 to 30 minuets to enjoy the splendor of solitary seating. i was not looking forward to the first ten minutes, his coat was bulky and posture wide. after about five minutes the couple in front of me rung the bell and got up out of there seat moving towards the front of the bus. i let a respectful five seconds go by, got up out of my seat into their vacated bench. little did know how many conflicting emotions this simple act would stir up. the initial elation of having my own seat was countered the moment my buttocks hit the seat, by the realisation that while this seat was superior to the previous in the numbers of inhabitants department it was decidedly inferior in the padding sector. it was in-effect a board of wood covered in a carpet like blanket, rather than a seat.

i took my mind off my seating device and looked towards the front of the bus. to my consternation the couple were still on board chatting to the driver! were they at the wrong stop? did they have the wrong ticket? did they only want to enlighten the driver as to the quality of the posterior environment? these were all running through my head as possibilities but one and far more important thought pushed itself to the front of my mine and quickly dominated my thoughts. what would i do if they did not get off the bus? what should i do? what could i do? when they were sitting in the seat there was no doubt that it was their seat. i never once imagined that i had priority over them in the sitting on that seat stakes. but now the rights or wrongs were somewhat more murky. should i get up and offer them the seat? would they expect this? would they find other seats and sit separately? would they just stand by the driver and get off at the next stop? what would the other passengers think of the situation (for i was sitting on the very front seat of the bus.) i felt the tension mount and mount as they talked to the driver for 5 seconds 10 seconds even 30 seconds, i still had not come to a conclusion to this moral quandary. eventually a minute had gone by and i was no closer to an answer.

They got off the bus.

£20

i have traveled the bus for one year. to and from work and for leisure. for over a year first bus group has not accepted £20 pound notes. for a year i have sneered and scoffed at people paying with £20 pound notes, they are ignorant plebs who have no ideas of our bus ways, every day i have made sure that i have five ten in change and not a £20 note (can you tell where this is heading). today i payed with a twenty pound note. i had my ipod in the driver made a grumpy face. we got on with our day.

reduce (speech) reuse (newspaper) recycle (ing day)

It's bin day today, to be more precise it's green bin day (we have two bins green for garden vegetable and cardboard waste with a little bag for paper and box for tins and that. A black one for all the other stuff. Each gets collected fortnightly) one of my neighbours has put out their black bin, that's their month ruined.

Today i got on and didn't even ask for my ticket and the driver knew what i wanted. If i was a grumpy and impolite person that didn't thank people the whole transaction would have been carried out in silence.

There was a woman on the bus reading a newspaper visibly shaking her head in disgust. On closer inspection i realised that she was reading an article about immigration in the daily mail (the migration figures for 2005 have just been released 565,000 people arrived wile 380, 000 left giving a net increase of 146,000. a decrease from the 2004 figures. I doubt this the the way that the mail chose to paint the situation.).

Starbucks

Today the driver parroted back my desired ticket slightly louder than a normal person would speak. I wonder if he has ever worked in Starbucks?

Catch catch

On the bus there are windows, some open and some don't. There are also people some open windows some don't and some do it incorrectly.

The opening windows are of the sliding variety, the left hand pane is held in place by a catch, when one desires some air the catch can be opened and the window slid right so it overlaps the other (immobile) pain. Simple enough you may think. it appears not, as on many of the busses people have managed to slide the right hand (immobile) pane to overlap the opening window. This is a testament to both how shoddily bus windows are put together and how inobservant people can be.

Once the necessity for the window to be open has passed rather than attempting to fix said window people more often than not slide the opening part of the window across, making it appear the the window is fixed and closed, if it were not for the inch wide gap between the two panes, allowing the air to whistle in as the bus picks up pace. Because the windows are incorrectly stowed the catch the should hold the window closed cannot be engaged and hangs down gently tapping a metallic rhythm to all in the bus. Today this happened and the man sitting next to it did nothing, nothing at all. He was an unusually tall man it would not have taken him much effort.

Missed stop 2

It happened again.

Missed stop

I rang the bell got up walked to the front of the bus to get off. the bus whistled past my stop so i grabbed the bell and rang it three times, the bus then came to an abrupt holt and i got off. it took me 30 seconds longer to get home from this spot than it would have from the bus stop.

Disk crash

today something horrible happened, my ipod broke, again.(it's fixed now) so ever the practical person i decided that for entertainment on the bus i would investigate that strange grey device in the corner of my room. it turned out to be a c.d. player. a c.d. player is like an ipod but larger takes aa batteries the kind you put as we in remotes) and played those shinny disks which we use to transport music from shops to the computer. as we all know c.d.'s as those disks are called do not contain as much music as an ipod but it is a pleasurable experience listening to them the main advantage is that after every song you don't have to take it out of your pocket and look at the screen just incase the next song is rubbish.

on the way in there was a delay and we waited at the lights for quite sometime as we approached it become clearer that there had been some kind of accident. this caused the chat level on the bus to increase as we got closer still the general murmured consensus was that someone had driven off the bridge that goes over our road the Northern woman at the back left pointing out the concrete on the road and the fatter woman at the front citing the windscreen in the bushes. so confident in our knowledge of events the mummer settled down into a contented hum. as we drove under the bridge something beautiful happened the entire bus turned around and looked at the bridge and in unison let out a collective sound of vindication (which i have not hear before (or since but to be fair it has only been 8 hours ago)) as it emerged that indeed someone had driven off the bridge. the bloke 3 seats in front of me looked for to long then noticed that we had all turned to face the front and in essence him, he was embarrassed.

Hair free

i had barely taken my my seat and settled down for my bus wait when a behoodied (blink 183 hoodie) skin head ran past me at quite a pace (obviously running from the law or a gang land battle how vile). Then another shaven headed man walked up to me asked if the bus i was waiting for had been he didn't say "has the bus you are waiting for been" that would be foolish he asked about the bus by name not knowing what bus i was waiting for. but I'm not going to tell you the name of my bus that would just leave me wide open to stalking) you probably know by now that as i was waiting for the bus it had not been, this was how i replied to the man but i put the words in a different order so as to be polite. then i said how it was usually late and in order to reenforce the truthfulness of my argument i told him how long i had been using this bus. the repliyed that he had been using it "for five years on and off" i said "yer?" in a tone that said oh really tell me some of you bus stories? he didn't reply.

later as i was listening to my ipod he decided now was a good time to tell me about the various ticket prices and savings that could be made, nominal at best in my opinion. it took him quite some time to tell me all the information it took ma about 30 seconds to glean from the first bus website several months ago.

before the bus came i saw a young father with cropped hair and a blink 182 hoodie obviously walking back to his daughter with the balloon that had just slipped her grasp. how nice.

Early/late Bus

Today i did everything as normal got up got showered got dressed, walked to the bus stop hung around at the bus stop for a few minutes (for it is the place to be at ten past nine on a saturday morning) hailed the bus got on the but put down five pounds eight pence one euro cent and five centimes, took my ticket and then my seat. at which point the driver turned round and shouted "these are foreign" he waited there for me to go back and find the necessary not foreign two pence which luckily i had them so we went on our way.

i finished work at four but knew the bus would not be at the stop till twenty to five.so i walked around the shopping centre but it was crowded and i had no cash so at ten past i went to the stop. luckily for me the traffic was really bad making the bus really slow so the earlier bus came to my stop just as i did. Unluckily for me the traffic was really bad making the bus really slow so the earlier bus that i caught came to my stop at the same time that the later bus i was going to catch would have.

Tip Top Stop

in previous blog entrees i have already explained to configuration of my bus stop at work so for the sake of brevity i shall only embellish this description with important facts and not repeat it all (it is very important that this blog is brief fact full and does not contain any extraneous information). The shopping centre where i work is at the apex of this loop the bus enters the bottom left of the loop and my stop is on the bottom right. Every day the bus drives into the bus station bit goes right past the shopping center and on to my stop, when it stops we all get off and walk along the road we just came down towards the shopping centre (think of the carbon would someone please think of the carbon).

Today there was one bus at a stop near the top of the apex and another behind it blocking our way to our stop. we sat there for a good two minutes before someone of grate ingenuity (myself) realised that we could get off here and save ourselves some time. i stood up from my seat at the back of the bus and strode purposefully towards the driver poked my head round his little perspex wall broke the only rule on that very perspex wall and asked if i could get of at this point ( to relax him i employed chummy vernacular) bowled over by my charm he of course acquiesced, and of course the other passengers followed me like the sheep they apeare to be.

Dog

There was a dog on the bus today. It was a Toy Poodle.

Sugar water

As the bus pulled in to my destination I was surprised and intrigued by a new garishly illuminated 7 foot high block that had been placed next to my stop. On closer inspection it turned out to be a chilled beverage dispenser one of those with a glass frontage in order to display the array of drinks available to me. Time was getting on so I decided that I should proceed to work as the bus was already late and my laboured scrutiny of this addition to my environment was not making me any less late.

Throughout my shift my mind wandered I thought about many a thing; world politics, the rise of China, Thundercats, my magsafe power adapter and if I would ever finish that book I have been carrying around for months. As my shift progressed and my thirst increased naturally my thoughts turned to that garish machine. I considered the array of drinks on offer, I could opt for the health and to my mind satisfying bottle of overpriced and environmentally disastrous spring water. I could chose the unfeasible popular cola drink (which I despise so I quickly banished that though from my mind) the totally tropical taste of lilt was becoming and quite tempting, if I decided on that I would have been dismissing the relative newcomers to the drinks market those still fruit infused spring water drinks. That was it my palette would be whisked away to a tropical beach via the totally tropical taste of lilt. That decision made I could get on with thinking about thundercats and selling things to people.

The drinks machine was out of order.

Fame

Today i found out what it was like to be a celebrity and it's no picnic let me tell you. as i walked to the bus stop i noticed that i would not be waiting for my bus alone, there was a bloke standing by the shelter smoking (you need to be 16 or over to smoke). he was walking around so i chose to stand in my normal spot and lean. after a wile leaning and looking down the road he turned to me and said "you work in that **** shop don't you?" so i flashed him my shirt and replied in the affirmative. he then proceeded to talk to me about the products that we sell. i don't really know much about or use the products we sell be as it is my job i managed to bluff my way through it quite well i think. He then as everyone who speaks to me started to say that the bus should be here by now so i as i always do told him that it is always late and not to worry. the bus came our conversation ended i got my usual ticket and he got a child's single to the bus station (you have to be 14 or under to get a child's ticket).

Stormin Gordon

There is a hurricane on the way. hurricane Gordon. on the bus today i saw how the British for the storm. when a storm is on the way hatches get battened in the dominican republic, loved ones gather together in cuba, in florida they collect supplies and wait of the inevitable. we clean drains.

Stand (but don't deliver)

I like to stand, who doesn't? i like to stand almost as much as i like to sit. i often stand in nice places and admire the view or stand in quite places and contemplate. i even sometimes stand in interesting places and observe. i feel you now know how much i like to stand.

in-spite of this frankly freakish amount of standing i do i have to draw the line and not stand at some times and places, these times are when i do not need the bus and the place is the bus stop. not everyone on earth is of a similar mind to me unfortunately. today some one was standing at a stop (a stop only used by the bus that i was on) the bus drew up and stopped at which point the woman for it was a woman, informed the driver that she did not need the bus! it was not even a particularly nice stop. if it had been my stop i would have understood. my stop has trees and grass. this stop has houses and asphalt. the bus carried on and luckily for her was slightly early.

Pane pain

windows windows windows, they are such a marvelous invention they allow us to see if the bus is crowded, allow us to see when our stops are approaching us (stop do no approach us we approach them but from the vantage of the moving bus it appears that we are still and they are moving) allow the sunlight in on a clear day (akin to the ride this morning) and protect us from the wind and drizzle of this afternoon, that is of course if they are closed.

this afternoon they were not closed. This was obvious to all on the but, all but two, the two sitting next to the open window. on the bus there is a selection of seat some with bells some in close proximity to the front and some next to windows that open. if you sit near a bell you do not have to reach far for said bell but you must accept people leaning near you (a small price to say), if you sit near the front you do not have to walk far when boarding and alighting but must keep alert for elderly (more responsibility but more reward) if you sit next to the window you have to opportunity of cooling down on a hot day but if and when dampness descends you must close the windows for the confront of fellow travelers. not doing such is a dereliction of duty. the responsibility is similar to that of the tall but cheap airline passenger who requests a seat near the emergency exit, they cannot claim not to have noticed the aviation disaster that they have just endured and not open the exit.

today two people did not close the window allowing rain and wind in the bus this was not pleasant to anyone present. fortunately a lady got up and closed the window but not before shooting them a well deserved dirty look. they did not even notice that.

Early Cold

today a woman rang the bell and as is the fashion the driver stopped the bus at the next stop. it was at this point that the woman said “sorry it’s the next stop i didn’t know there was a stop here” we passed three stops before she alighted.

i have a cold and should blow my nose every 5 minutes or so. i hate people who blow their noses on the bus every five minutes or so. so i decided in the interest of a pleasant journey for all involved i would not blow my nose. this probably prolonged my cold for 2-3 days. i sneezed about 3 times.

Weary Traveller

My mum gave me a lift into work today, this saved me 20 minutes and £2. I spend the 20 minutes on pottering and general getting ready. I spent the £2 plus and additional £1.10 on a grande caramel frappichino thus negating any savings that I had made for the day. Ho hum.

On the way home I purchased my single ticket and boarded the bus. I cos my usual seat plugged in my headphones and we got on with the ride. It was about 5 minutes in when I noticed that the man in front of me was fidgeting, once I notice some one fidgeting I cannot notice anything else so my full attention was on him. It appeared that he was trying to get into a comfortable position for sleeping on a bus (I favour the sat upright head slumped myself). At first he rested his head against the window and immediately realised the vibration was to violent for slumber ( a problem familiar to us all) the he chose to place his ear on the sill this bus have been uncomfortable because he very soon moved again (no double due to the rigidity of the rubber which I suspect is designed more to keep the windows in place than comfort a weary traveller, foolish bus designers). The he had a brain wave he remembered that he was carrying a bathroom brochure. He quickly produced the pamphlet from his pocket and began the skilful job of transforming this informative d.i.y. resource into a soft and comfortable pillow, he must have done a pretty bad job because even this ad hoc cushion would not suffice for his needs. It struck me that the book that I was carrying and not reading could make a quite passable pillow and nearly offered it to him, then I realised what I would do if the situations were reversed. I would politely decline the confusing offer from an odd stranger and then to show that I did not need the book I would have to take my shirt off make it into a pillow as that is far better than a book I think we can all agree. I did not want to see this mans torso.

******* (thats my name annonimised)

Mobile phones are a wonderful thing we can use them everywhere that there is a signal which lets face it is most places we are. I use my phone whenever I need to with a few exceptions, cinema theatre and hospitals (there are more but I can’t think of them right now). One place that I do use it and don’t mind other people using their phones is on the bus (yes you knew I would come to the bus sooner or later). Today however one phone conversation did annoy and perturb me. I did not have my ipod cos it did not charge for some reason last night ( a situation I am investigating). So I sat on the best seat and started to read my book (yes that again) at some point in the ride the girl behind me decided to ring some one, this person was close to her a boy friend I would venture to say. This person had the same name as me, he had done something wrong and for about ten minutes she proceeded to berate this poor man for some obviously innocuous mistake. Now in the way women tend to do one tactic she employed was saying his name in a tierce and agitated voice sometimes even using his full name (yes I have a name that can be abbreviated for all of you trying to build up a profile of me). As all of you with names will know when some one says your name there is an involuntary reaction in your nervous system which is useful if some one is trying to get your attention but annoying if they are talking to some one with your name over your shoulder. This kept happening to me throughout this conversation when I got off the bus I felt quite beaten and very sorry for what I had done!

On the way home I accidentally made the ‘hi mate are you alright?” face at a person I did not know but looks like a person I sorta know he responded with a ‘who the fuck are you freak’ face at me.

Timetable and Watch

I chose the wrong seat today, well not the wrong seat per say if the bus had been empty it would have been the second best seat (high back but average leg room). However today I chose to sit behind the most inept bus passenger of all time (well the week, probably). Maybe I should not judge I am after all a seasoned bus traveller and know the ways and nuances of how to use public transport, but I am pretty sure that as a bus novice I knew that you needed two things to ride the bus (three including money but that is a given in this capitalist society of ours). Now I will count to three and by three I want you to have thought of two things that you think you might need when attempting to carryout a bus journey, one….two….three. done it? Did you by any chance think of a bus timetable and a watch? If you did 10 points (what the hey this is my point system if you got both you get 863 points if you got one 562 points coming your way). Unfortunately the woman sitting in the seat in front of me would only have 212 points (as she had neither of these things).

When I got on the bus I did not know I was sitting behind a moron so I settled down and read my book. After about 15-20 mins this woman turned around and asked me the time I said “about half past” (it was actually 34 mins past but I am never sure if people need this level of accuracy and what if my watch is wrong and I give what I thought to be an accurate time would I hinder them more than if I gave them a vague impression of the time? She turned round I went back to my book. 3 seconds later she turned round again ”half past what?” ok I am not the most organised person in the world, I don’t clam to be but I do know roughly what hour I am in particularly no especially when I am on a bus. oh she’s forgotten her watch poor lady, I thought and got on with my book still unaware of the depths of unpraparedness of my fellow traveller. I finished my chapter and took the opportunity to look up and see how far along we were, I was pleased to see that the day was a clear and warm one. Then the woman turned round and asked me a question to which she should have known the answer to before she even contemplated boarding the bus, a question that I was totally ill prepared for it took me back so much that I I did not even answer the second part of it. “do you know when this bus get to Bristol?” I replied with “no cos I a only go to the mall” (for a thought a no would be to blunt) “oh because I have to be in Bristol by 10.30”

she would not get to Bristol by 10.30.

Commute Comment

Today the bus driver said, “not cribs AGAIN” in a jovial tone, I replied “yes again” in a mock resigned manner.

Any Idea?

On the corner of every pane of glass on every bus is a British standard mark showing the specifications of said glass, and on every window on every bus I have been on in the past year someone has highlighted these with a yellow right angle. does anyone know why? I really want to know (well when I say really, obviously not enough to contact some one who might actually know and be able to tell me, but enough to put it up on internet so that the cyber flotsam and jetsam can speculate)

High Gear?

As I boarded today the driver told me that there was something wrong with the bus, that it could not accelerate up to top speed very fast but go fast when it is there. During my journey I noticed that this was in fact the case, what I did not notice was him telling any other passengers about the problem. I do hope that he didn’t think that in telling me he had somehow passed the responsibility of telling other people on to me, cos I told no one. Except Simon. He wasn’t on the bus though. He was at work.

The bus home was unaffected.

Shrinking Violet

There were two things that I noticed on my way to the bus stop today (well three but the new post-box is not a plot point in today’s post, so for aesthetic reasons I’ve chosen to leave it out (yer you heard me these have plots)). The first one is that there was a woman at the bus stop (that another person is at the bus stop is an occurrence just infrequent enough to make it commentable but not enough for an entire post on it’s own) she was just over middle age (over 60 as I saw that she was the holder (maybe proud) of a pensioners bus pass (hers I assumed)) and standing in my leaning spot, this is the best spot to stand and look out for busses. So I elected to delegate the responsibility of bus catching to her and allow myself the rare pleasure of sitting on the bench at the bus stop. Now this position leave me oblivious to the traffic on the road and in normal circumstances I would feel anxious that I may miss the bus, however this woman somehow gave off an aura of trustfulness and looked switched on (she had selected the best place for her duties). The second thing I noticed was that someone had managed to take a small tesco trolley about half a mile from tesco (quite a feet when you factor in the anti thievery breaks that these are fitted with. As any would be trolley snatcher will tell you) and elected to leave it on the side of the road by my bus shelter (and the aforementioned post box).

Now I was sitting and wondering what course of events had unfolded which perambulated this lattice consumables mover from it’s home to it’s current position, and who is responsible for the return of said article to it’s rightful owners, when a council van turned up. The van was one of those that used to carry waste paper to be incinerated but have latterly been converted so that they can take all kinds of recyclable goods to the appropriate reclamation centres. A man dressed in council apparel (florescent bib ‘n’ all) got out and preceded to take the trolley and stow it in his van. Once the trolley was secure in his van he looked at us at the stop smiled at the woman, she smiled back and then said something, I thought “oh a love interest this might be bloggable” so pricked up my ears to listen, the engine of the van was running the whole time (thus increasing any environmental impact it is designed to reduce) so it was only after the woman’s third, progressively louder utterance that I could decipher what she was saying. It was along the lines of “what about that bit of rubbish/ paper over there/ in that bush” not the most arousing pick up line I have ever heard but 10 out of 10 for innovation. It took the van man a further 2 progressively louder attempts to hear what she was saying (please don’t think ill of him as he was further away and closer to the vans engine than me) we all looked toward the bush at this point then came the shout of “oh sorry they are flowers!” it was at this point that I started to doubt the woman’s bus spotting abilities.

Cumbamear

I picked up my magazine, switched on Baddeal & skinner and left work after a tiring day of buying and selling (hopefully from that opening you think I am some kind o high powered stock trader) (maybe I am), ready for a relaxing bus ride home (a stock trader taking the bus! Whatever next), of course this did not happen.

As I approached the bus stop I saw my bus friend and my heart sank. When I initially realised that some one I knew travelled on my bus I was excited, I had some one to talk to during the hour or so ride home, some one to share my bus stories with and maybe an ally against the abysmal passenger services that we receive on a daily basis. At first we used to act as acquaintances do, occasionally talk but more often than not just sit listening to our ipods, because we knew we had nothing to say. At some point I don’t know when, our relationship developed into a friendship and the talking consequently escalated, it was only when one of us was tired or particularly enjoying our tunes that we did not talk. Some how we are now firm friends, whenever we see each other out come the headphones and we engage in conversation. It has become a sort of race as to who can see the other first and de headphone. Then we have The Conversation, The Conversation goes thus, “hi mate how you doing?” good thanx, you?” “Alright” “busy day?” “ No it’s been dead/ yes it’s been hectic” “I don’t mind it dead it means I get to do nothing/ I don’t mind it busy it means I’m not board and we get more sales”. We have had this conversation so many times that either of us can take either role. We then talk about nothing in particular till the bus comes. When the bus comes I get on after my friend, my friend chooses the first seat (the disabled seat, I don’t like this cos I can’t look at the back of other peoples head and I may have to get up and give up my seat to some one more deserving, I don’t mind the getting up, it’s the judging if a person is old or infirm enough to need a seat and not be offended by my offer that concerns me, frankly all the time I’m sitting in the seat so I can never truly relax) he tells me to sit next to the window cos he gets off first (thus trapping me in making me unable to offer my seat to the needy yet just as susceptible to there evil stairs that imply entitlement and hate in equal measure).

So we carried on along our journey magazine resting on the ledge in front ipod nestling in it’s belt cradle, we chatted inanely, I wondered idly how the story of David Baddeal in a roger de corsy mask might finished. Then the bus stopped and the surly central European driver told a woman (Kenyan I would say, by the rich accent and controlled diction) to get off, she said “ah is this Thornbury already” he said “yes” (it wasn’t) she said “ok where is cumbamear?” he mumbled something about end of ticket she got confused and asked if it was Thornbury again he said it was again and said something about the ticket. She asked for directions to cumbamear again he mumbled some more and looked angry. My mate was still chatting inanely about something or other oblivious to the plight of this woman, along with everyone else in the bus, so at this point I was forced by common decency to tell the woman that this was not Thornbury it was in fact Aztec West several miles from her desired destination (the driver did not like this at all), she asked if this was the Thornbury bus as she had been told to get on the wrong bus before and was already quite late. I said it was and that I was going there and I would tell her where cumbamear is when we get there (cos I get off after that stop) she then sat down, the bus driver told her that she would have to get off, she suggested that if this was the right bus she may have the wrong ticket and would like to pay for the correct one, this idea seamed unusually genius to the driver so he with and expression of bemusement (and a sleigh wicked glance at me) accepted her fair and let her sit down. She told me that he probably should have told he from the start or even when he was about to chuck her off that there was another option, I agreed.

Now this woman is yet another acquaintance keeping me from my ipod, even after my bus friend got off she periodically spoke to me about the driver and to thank me throughout the journey. As often happens on my bus (and maybe yours) people rang the bell and got up to the front in order to get of in a timely manner. One of these was a very nice young lady listening to an ipod, I checked out the ipod (5g white 30gig) and her arse (denim clad, perky but abit petit for my taste) then she turned round smiled and said that she thought that I had been really kind to that lady and just had to thank me, of course by instinct my reply was suave and witty “umm…er… that’s ok thanx” then I smiled she smiled again and got off the bus, I rued my missed opportunity and continued my journey. We got to the ladies stop I rang the bell told her the directions she thanked me, I was finally able to put on Baddeal and skinner, open up my MacWorld and settled down to a few minuets of technophilic delight mixed with world cup based humour. Five minuets later I alighted the bus with one extra enemy but two more friends.

Busmans Lunch

Contra to popular contention I do actually like to look after myself, to this end recently at lunch time I have forgone the standard shopping mall fair or burgers/fried chicken/pasties and instead go for the healthy option, the boots option a sandwich, bag of crisps/ choc bar, and drink (under £1.35) for only £3(I am well aware that this option does leave me with no dessert but there is a Thornton’s nearby that’s that sorted). So today for lunch I tootled off towards boots (using the stairs cos it’s good for your heart) but today was a special day, the sandwich (usually £2.10 each) were discounted down to 75p per pack that’s a mere 35% of the sticker price, how could I pass up such a barging? I purchased my sandwiches (Thai prawn and new York deli) and the rest of my meal. (Don’t worry I will get onto the bus soon(ish).) I had eaten 3 sandwiches when it dawned on me that I was not going to be able to eat the crisp component of my meal. I finished the sandwiches stowed the crisps in a safe pocket and put my appletiser in the fridge. For I knew that I may want them at a later time.

Upon leaving work I felt understandably peckish and not unparched so out came the crisps and drink I popped open the crackerjack lime and coriander bag and glugged the reminder of my fizzy fruit beverage. As I approached the bus stop I saw my bus friend with whom I often converse, he took off his headphones and I pocketed the crisps out of courtesy. We chatted and got on the bus then we chatted some more on the bus at some point in my journey I absentmindedly took out my snack and started to munch, so there I was chatting and munching, then I slowly realised, I had not offered him one of my crisps, how must he feel watching me gauge myself on a healthy flavoursome corn treat? At once I knew what to do (for I am a man fleet of thought), I would offer him a crisp he would accept and we would, for a moment both bond over the tangy yet refreshing flavours of the orient.

So I glanced down at my bag opened it up so it looked inviting for him to select his present from. But upon looking into the fully unfurled bag I was struck with horror, I only had one crisp and a slither left! When offered this pitiful selection what would he do? Would he take the crisp knowing that I had eaten the rest of the packet and feel guilty for the rest of the day? Would he take the slither for fear of depriving me of the final treat and feel and slighted? Would he decline citing some fictitious future meal? How long would it take him to make his choice? I knew I could not put a fellow human being in such a position of stress. I scooped both shard and crisp into my mouth chewed and swallowed. Problem over, for now.

Double Decker

We got a double decker today. It didn't affect me cos i sat on the lower deck.

Thirst mistake

Today I took the bus to the bus station in town, twice, it was a hot day so I decided to quench my thirst by buying the over priced environmentally unfriendly lukewarm water in the bus station shop. The first attempt was an abject failure I picked up my water joined the cue at which point my bus pulled up, no worries I thought Its just pulled up there is a big cue of people ready to get on the bus and a small cue of people waiting to buy snacks, publications and beverages. I was wrong there was a need to worry what I didn’t account for was the ineptitude of the cashiers and the multinationalisum of the clientele. You can imagine what happened confused people tried to buy wildly overpriced produce ignorant cashiered tried to communicate with them, it wasn’t a pretty sight. So as time progressed the bus cue got shorter and shorter, the shop cue stayed the same length and I learned about Rooney’s foot. It came to the point that I had to make the decision of course I put my water back in the “cooler” and boarded the bus, which I sat in for a full five minuets before it pulled out.

On my second trip to the station now even hotter and thirstier I again attempted to buy the water, I’ll tell you now that I got the water, but not without some palaver. When I entered the shop one other man was in there he picked up an oasis (open poor be yourself once more) orange and mango (or something) drink, and took it to the counter. I picked up my bottle of water (Malvern it’s been filtered through the aqueduct under an impenetrable lave flow for 5000 years you know) stood behind the man at the till thus forming a cue. The man presented his oasis to the cashier who informed him that oasis drinks cost £1.80 he then said “no fanta fruit twists cost £1.20 look it says there” he then pointed to a sign which proved him right fanta fruit twists does indeed cost £1.20. this confused me and the cashier then the cashier supervisor said no sir that is an oasis (he didn’t mention the slogan) now the man is confused, he was one off those people who had planed ahead and realised that to buy stuff you need money so had got the correct change out so he now need to get more money out. It turns out that all the rest of the money he has is in coppers which he takes great jollity in counting out, apparently this is a really fun game which I had not been aware off before as both the cashier and cashier’s supervisor also enjoy it very much. Finally the correct monies are exchanged for goods received. The man departs I take his place and pay for my water the supervisor makes a joke about the mental state of the cashier and I laugh. All this for 250ml.

Drivers Challenge Day

On Saturday the 10th RAF Cornwall are hosting a drivers challenge day organised by the institute of advanced motoring. At this event drivers can see and drive Lorries, fire engines and sports cars they can also take the famous I.A.M. advanced driving test if they wish. How do I know all of this? There was a poster was advertising this driving utopia, in the bus!

S.G.F.

As you may or may not have noticed it is summer, of course this is a good thing because flowers flourish, grass grows and the sun shines. However these are also bad because hay fever happens the grass needs to be mown and sunglass etiquette is the order of the day. Normal sunglass etiquette is quite simple, indoors off outdoors on or off depending on the glair (you can judge this for yourself) and rock star always on no matter what (I have often thought about writing a rock album to simplify my sunglass situation, but it will never happen). At the bus stop today I was pondering the grey areas of S.G.E. at which point of dusk should one remove the eye glasses, whether a bus shelter counted as inside or outside ( I opted to avoid the issue by standing on the tarmac in front of the shelter and keep them on) however there was one issue that I could not avoid and it was growing bigger with every second that passed (if you can’t guess what it is by know you really should go home) of course it was whether one should keep the shades on on the bus, after all the bus is almost 40% glass (untinted) and can get very sunny, on the other hand no one wears sun glasses in a conservatory, but they may do in a green house. So as time passed and the bus got later and later my opinion toed and frowed between the points of view. And only 7 minuets later than it should have been, the bus pulled up, the doors opened and I looked upon a the well shaded eyes of a bus driver, problem solved.

Summer Rain

It was a hot day today, I finished work at five cos it’s a Sunday and cos it’s a Sunday everyone finished work and shopping at the same time (due to the frankly bizarre opening hours law (is it really a sin to buy a game at 5:10?) so the bus stop and benches were crowded, I stood for a while then gave in and sat on the curb near the rat killing box. After about two minuets the rain came at first it spotted, this was good it meant that people who had not been on their feet for 6 hours (costumers some call then) got up from the bench and moved to the shelter of the shelter, I put on my coat and took a seat, later the rain really came, this was bad cos it meant that I got wet, more people moved to the shelter. I was almost alone on my bench listening to my ipod. Then it happened my bench partner spoke to me, at first It was ok he had a point, six flag on a car is bordering on the ridiculous, I laughed (in hindsight I may have laughed to well, I was only trying to be polite) he took this as a signal that we were friends so asked me if I was waiting for the 309 ( he knew full well that I was cos we were bus buddies on the way up there in the morning) then made some comment about the polish driver (it could have been racist I couldn’t hear over 99 luftbollons). I got on the bus last so I could chose not to sit next to this bloke and consummate our friendship, it made me wetter.

£

On the bus today, I found a pound.

Late break

The bus I take to work is on a loop and my town is the eye of that loop. This means that sometimes I see the bus going the other way down the road before it negotiates the health centre at the apex and then returns to pick me up. Today I was leaning against the window in my little shelter marvelling at how green the world has got in the last two weeks, and then out of the corner of my eye just as I see a bus going the other way down the road it comes to a screeching halt and starts to reverse, the driver then opens the window leans out and asks me where I’m going, I reply he say “get in I’m twenty minutes late and going that way” I gratefully board pay my fair and settle in for a five or so minutes of free travel, though I couldn’t fully shake the feeling that we wouldn’t be so late if the driver used a more orthodox Bussing style.

tunnel vision

What makes you most tense on the underground? Is it the heat the overcrowding? Maybe it’s the scruffy man with the bulging bag and energetic eyes. Well I managed to put these minor concerns to the back of my mind and enjoy the unique delight of the tube. That is of course until when some one left there seat and the person nearest did not take it. Why why would you do that? you are on a train with loads of people standing up so very little space many people are hot tired and pissed off sue to the veal like conditions, but you my friend are not even courteous enough to alleviate the crowding by taking a seat, how hard is it to sit down? Many people do it automatically to some it is almost preferable to sit rather than stand for the duration of travel. Are you oblivious of the trouble you are causing well let me lay it out for you: you are the closest to the seat after you there are three other people who are equidistant and all covet that seat they need to weight a sufficient amount of time to make it clear that they are recognising your first dibs status but have to sit soon enough so as the others does not get there first. Can you not see the tension building up in these people? If you are not able to site for some unfortunate knee of hip reason the least you could do is select some one to usher to the seat thus elevating the standing congestion and seat tension. You my friend are a fo’.

Now the tube is underground and as such need means for getting the people from above ground where most people spend a lot of there time to below the surface where most tube trains spend a lot of there time. There are two main systems that they employ the escalator and stairway (you may be familiar with one or both of these) in rush hour there are a lot of people in a rush to many for the escalators alone to cope with so cues form for the escalator, yet curiously there are no cues for the stairs. Who decided that it is preferable to cue for an escalator rather than use the stair? Probably the Muppet that decided the escalator is a ride.

Cigar music

Today at the bus stop the other side of the road from me I saw an oldish (50odd) woman smoking a cigar one of them big Groucho Marks numbers, it was very incongruous I watched her for a full two minuets in amazement that is until she moved her head and it turned out it was actually a mole skin diary in her mouth.

listening to my ipod the track under pressure by Queen (ft David Bowie) came up after itself which got me to thinking I have paid for that track three times (once on channel four's music of the millennium two disk set and twice on the queen greatest hits set) what a rip off I have made a decision from now on I’m only gona buy music that I don't already own.

Silent chairs (like musical but without a vital part)

Today was a crowed bus day so I resigned myself to sharing the seat with a middle aged woman who has a daughter. To my delight she got (with her daughter) of in the middle of no wear to my horror immediately a bloke got off another seat and sat next to me! I know I’m piece of ass but this really is beyond the pail (he spent the rest of the ride looking the other way almost as if he was intimidated by my statuesque good looks so pretended to talk to his friend with whom he alighted the bus and had not had a chance to talk to until the seat move incident), just think of the blog of the bloke who was sitting next to the guy who got up to sit next to me. Will he feel liberated or shunned? Is he unaware of the revolutions that are a daily occurrence in the labs of Gillette, right guard and lynx? Maybe we will never know the answers to these questions (I recon I will know the answers eventually). Maybe I should just get on with my bus ride listen to my ipod and be less of a Judgey Mcjudge.

Private scratch I wish

Imagine if you will a length of twine or string with a loop in it now picture it bigger and made out of tarmac, there you have the bus station at work. Every day after work I get to my stop about five minuets before the bus is supposed to arrive (the bus actually arrives between five and half past) and everyday the number 1 to broomhill or sumsuch approaches the station, on the opposite spur of twine to the one my bus uses to get to my stop, but because it is the only other bus route that uses the same model as my bus I think for one fleeting moment that maybe due to roadworks/ bureaucracy /driver incompetence my bus may for once be on time and I may arrive home in good time. Again today no such luck

On the way into work I as usual paid my £5.10 fair with a £10 note and 10 pence this time the new driver said that he would give me my change at the end of the ride. The ride finished uneventfully I walked to the driver and asked for the change he took out a role of £5 notes I watched everyone get on the bus and pay (7 people as it was not a peak time ride) not one used a £5 note that means that he had many of these notes when I got on but just did not want to give me them. I have no doubt that he was an evil man with no good in his heart.

On the way home the battery died on my ipod so the journey was quite odd. The light that says bus stopping was stuck on which is fine for people like me who did not have ipods on but for every one else it must have been quite confusing for a good 15-20 minuets. I dont have crabs but I do on occasion scratch my genitals (testicles and penis) when I have a day of work I spend about 1 hour 20 minuets on the bus that is 6% of my day so naturally I rarely but sometimes scratch myself on the bus. Today was one of those times but today I managed to do it when the only other person on the bus (an old learned man I would call Leonard) was watching me. What are the chances? I spend a lot of my day not being watched I spend most of my bus ride not being watched but the one time during the day that I indulge in a scratch I am being observed and judged.

The Green'un

The green'un snack van that I pass everyday has changed its colour from green to maroon. However the name remains the same, the car is also still green perhaps he is waiting for a maroon car to change the name and thus complete the transition. Or maybe its a copyright issue.

Old grass

I like old people I really do, they are wise funny pragmatic and many other virtuous attributes. Obviously I only say this (I do actually believe it but I only say it here) because of what I am about to say (and what I said in a previous entry). I understand why old people move so slow, I understand why old people sit at the front of the bus, I even understand why old people take so long to carry out the normally fairly speedy transaction of buying a ticket. However one thing seams to have slipped through the net that is my comprehension (your comprehension may be abit out of whack at the mo cos of my appalling sentence structure) is why when it takes them so long to get on, buy the ticket, and sit down why o why o why do they then spring up immediately as the bus stops and take an age to get off the bus. These people were young once they know we go to the back of the bus so they can sit on the front cos it harder for them to move around, they know that they get the best seats and half fairs and make the bus late due to dithering. The least they can do is wait for us people who have jobs to be late for to get off before they do.

At the bus stop on the high street today was not unusual in that there were a lot of people waiting for the bus so it took abit of time to fill. What was unusual is that an old lady got up when the bus stopped waddled very slowly (not in a funny way in a heart wrenching way cos you could tell she was putting a hell of a lot of effort into it and in quite abit of pain) to the post box at the stop and then got back on the bus. It made me feel very lucky with my mobility. (oh big tone shift there wasnt it)

No old people on the way home. It was a sunny day very pleasant in temperature and ambiance so at the point of me getting off the bus I decided that I would mow the lawn tomorrow, I looked forward to getting up early getting dressed in gardening clothes dusting down the trusty mower after its annual hibernation unfurling the cherry red cord and setting out to my first cut of the spring I would get all those dandy lions probably have to empty the box 2 or 3 times my reward would be a newly cut lawn and that smell of freshly cut grass I could almost smell it as I turned the corner. My dad was mowing the lawn. (that actually happened)

Speed kills (pride)

Today the bus was going to fast and had to break hard so it did not overshoot my stop (I rang the bell at exactly the same point in to road, just after the stop before mine so as to avoid this exact instance). I was just getting up to expedite my disembarkation. I nearly fell over due to the suddenness of the breaking. Turns out it’s not so funny when it happens to you.

Vintage Coffee!

What is it with old people and getting up early? I know it’s a common question but it really does bother me. I’m in my early twenties and get up even later than I did when I was a teenager (mainly because school started at 8.45 and the earliest work starts is 10.00) and if I have a day off I will rarely get up before neighbors (which as we all know starts at 1.45 rather than 1.40 which the B.B.C. want us to believe, god knows why they lie about it). My Nan gets up at 6.00 am that’s 2 hours after my brother’s bed time! And from my experience on the bus today I can only assume that my Nan is not alone among the olds. I had to be in work by 10 today so I got the 9.10 bus the first bus, which was full of old people I would venture that 60-75% of the passengers of the bus were over seventy five. It was a typical day no great early bird savings no men in giant cat suits just soulless shops selling shinny things that you don’t really need.

Due to the geriatric overcrowding of the bus I needed to share my seat with a man, this man was not a normal man he was I’d say between 55 and 65 about 14 stone but not fat looking, stocky above average height but looked short due to his girth. He looked knobbly like a gnome or a troll and had excessive hair on all the exposed flesh. He wore big headphones like a d.j. but they were plugged into an ipod shuffle so looked faintly ridicules. This was fine he didn’t crowd me I didn’t have to go to any effort to stop our two masses colliding. The journey was going quite pleasant partly because as he sat next to me the tension of sitting on ones own on a crowded bus had dissipated. Then this man produced a thermos flask and proceeded to pour a cup of hot milky coffee! Now this immediately put me on edge the driver today is one well know (to me at least) for being a jerky stop start driver and I am on my way to work wearing the clothes that I must wear for the next 10 hours how on earth can he think that this is an appropriate place to consume a scolding staining morning pick me up? For about 10 minuets I was braced for the inevitable break, splash, scream. It never happened. Getting off was quite a palaver he did not take the usual body language signals that some one wants to get off that I am permanently attuned to when I am on the outside seat, so I had to make eye contact to inform him that I needed to disembark. Thank god I didn’t have to vocalise anything. I got to work on time and about 30 O.A.P. had 10 minuets walking around a deserted mall.

Fungus

A strange white speckled fungus has appeared around the bottom edge of my bus stop. I don’t know what it is does anyone have any idea? I might touch it tomorrow see if I rash.

In the car today

Today was a bank holiday so naturally as many people are off work and able to go to the shops they cut the busses down to a bare minimum! I have a lovely mother so she said that if I had to work I could get a lift. I got up later had a nice long wash and set out later as we did not have to go all around town picking up poor, ignorant and old people. I sat down on the upholstered seat affixed my safety belt (mandatory by law for car passengers but not available to people of the bus as we are expendable) turned on radio 2 (rapidly becoming my fav station) and settled in to a stress free luxurious ride into work, or so I thought (what a set up, you sure are excited now aren’t you).

First turn out of the drive we encountered a pigeon sat down in the middle or the road, my mum decided to creep up on it very slowly rather than honk the horn which would have been my choice. Eventually it moved. Being a bank holiday the roads were empty except for mentalist, one old bloke who drove at about 30mph (miles per hour, can also be written as m/h) in a 60m/h zone but then turned off, a little later a black car turned onto the main road crawled along at 5kph for 40 yards and the turned off the next turning. The rest of the journey was ok so I got to work 20 minuets early and browsed for reduced eggs (easter) there were none.

On the way home the roads were empty of everyone including nutters but the bus driver was willfully slow so I got home 3 minuets late but it did give me more time with my ipod which I enjoy.

Time and money

Today the hole in the wall had run out of ten pound notes so could only dispense twenty pounds at a time, the bus doesn’t take twenty pound notes as I may have mentioned before. Luckily I already had the correct amount for the journey so I didn’t use the cash point on this occasion.

Where I work there is a bus station which is a big name for an open air coach park with eight bus shelters. The shelters are arranged in two rows either side of a road in a loop for the busses to go round. Four of these shelters (A,B,C and D) are in frequent use, I have never seen two used (E and F) G is used by the 75 which comes every 8 minuets (I sometimes sit in there when it is raining and my shelter is full) H is my shelter I don’t really sit in the shelter unless it is raining and windy as it is often full of people who want to speak to you. (see girl asking about 609) so I sit on the bench this has the two advantages, one is the solitude and escape for an in secant barrage of moronic questions (that’s just from George) and the other is the ambiguity of your purpose, you could be sitting waiting for a bus or you could be taking in the view of cripples trees and be littered bushes, so if you arrive for your bus just after it has left (as I have done on a less than seven occasions) you can sit there for say forty five minuets and leave looking less like you were waiting for a bus than you would if you were in a shelter. My bus stop is not busy the majority of the time in fact you can sit there for an hour watch everyone else except the people at H get on a bus. That is until 7.15 when four, yes four busses are scheduled to arrive at my stop. My bus, one to Weston super Mere another the Newport and the 615 which has a hand written sign that says buSstation on it. Now I’m not a bus planner I don’t pretend to know what that job entails but I am pretty damn sure that It should involve more than saying oh lets just whack it on H and going home. So my plea to all those considering or working in public transport planning, please make sure you have a basic grasp of time and space or at least realise that as one object cannot occupy two places at once equally two three or even four objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Remember that and your set.

Conversation

Every day I get the bus I listen to my ipod and every day I have to untangle my headphones, this takes me about five minuets each day twice a day. I could save this time buy stowing them in the little bag provided but that will mean I listen to my ipod for an extra 10 minuets a day which would ruin my recharge cycle. so I guess I’ll just have to put up with the untangling and occasional bumping into people on the way to the bus.

On the way home I met up with a friend (a fiancé of an acquaintance I knew from school who I have become friends with over many months of bus travel) I was not to tired so I struck up a conversation at the stop, like a fool I continued this conversation on the bus (it was a good to begin with about hours and jobs and that but it degenerated into talking about the black clouds and when they would open drenching us). As this conversation drew to its natural close the trouble started. What does one do when the talking stops? Carry on regardless to fill the time? Obviously no. sit there in comfort and enjoy the bus ride? Don’t make me laugh (sorry). I opted to sit there not acknowledging the presence of my former conversie but not looking out of the window in case she thought I was blanking her I chose a spot and stared at it just keeping her in my field of view and not listening to my ipod so if the conversation reignited I would not be left out. My neck hurt and I missed a particularly snazzy sports car but after a wile her stop came up and I got on with my ipod.

For the record as I got of the bus it did not rain on me. It hailed.

Man

Today as i was getting off the bus a man asked me for directions to primrose drive. I think the directions I gave were wrong, I hope they weren't.

On the bus today, again

Before I got on the bus I could hear some foreigners (they could have been English people speaking foreign, I can't tell) arguing. I assumed that this must be a brief row that would soon simmer down. As time when on it become apparent that they were not arguing but just talking very loud (or shouting as some people call it) this as I'm sure you understand is quite annoying so many people on the bus did what they had to do and shot them pointed stare (the woman reading the book was particularly vicious) but that did not stop them they continued like this for the whole ride. Thank god they got off at the petrol station.

I was so far away from the bell that it got me pondering what my life would be like with long fingers (good for ringing bus bells and scrumming apples not so good for typing or discreet pointing)

I got off the bus and it was still light and sunny. Yey for summer.

Revolution

Today I noticed the graffiti that necessitates my use of the leaning corner is infact the v from v for vendetta. I shall hence forth stop thinking of it as an annoying little piece of middle class rebellion masquerading as the self expression of the urban under classes, but rather regard it as a sign of the impending civil unrest that will result in the overthrowing of our current Orwellian totalitarian government through clever use of masks. Hoora

The 609

Today the man in front of me sat sideways. I pretended to fall asleep so as to avoid eye contact.

On the way home a lovely young lady asked me why the bus changes from a 309 to a 609 after seven (it's because the service is provided with the assistance of the local authority as the service would be uneconomical without these grants, all busses numbered between 500 and 999 in the former Avon (South Gloucestershire, Bristol City Council and B&NES) are funded like this) I said I did not know.

Robin Hood of the busses

My name is Richard Davies and I am a criminal. Today I took a bus ride that First Bus Group Limited values at 4.00 for 0, nothing, zilch. when I boarded the bus I fully intended to pay my way, I got on asked for a ticket presented my 10 note (fresh from the 'cash point' as Barclays bank wants me to call them) at which point the driver scowled at me and clamed he had no change. The fair was 4 he had just got on the bus are you telling me that drivers start their shifts with less than 6 float? So I stood aside waited for others to get on pay and then for him to call me over so I could purchase my ticked. The passengers got on I sat there the driver spent some time fixing the mirror (more about that in a future blog) and then he started the engine and drove off.

Cue a feeling or terror in my stomach, I'm a fair dodger I'm breaking the law, I will be arrested an inspector will come on and ask me to pay the standard fair (20 by a beautiful bureaucratic cock up the signs saying that are right next to the posters telling me that they don't accept 20 notes). So I sit in fear for half an hour craning at every stop of the tell tail day glow halo of a ticket inspector, and then it happens we pass the boundary of Bristol, no ticket inspector has ever been seen this far out I got away with it I got a free ride. but what if the driver still remembers what if he doesn't let me off at my stop what will the blond three rows back think will she regard me as scum or a dangerous man who she would like to get to know?

I gather my belongings (dropping my sleeping bag the bus driver doesn't notice the blond does) ring the bell say thanx in a different voice so as to avoid detection and get off. I did it, I got away, I am a fugitive.

The fraudsters and the blind

The driver that annoyed me so by asking me to repeat myself three times was driving. Today he heard me first time. On my journey to work I was sitting musing on the lack of comments on my blog and minding my own business, when in front of my eyes the bus driver became a human. He was very nice and helpful to a blind man (is it rude to stare at the blind? I don't cos you never know how much they are putting it on) he helped him on the bus and got out of his seat to pick up the change that the blind dropped. later a bloke got on who had a pass for further up the journey instead of making him buy a ticket I just let him put it in the machine when we came to the bit where it was valid. I paid full fair.

Pauline

I was on a late shift today so I took the 4.10 bus. I was wide awake it was warm and the sun was just thinking about going down. I put my ipod on and settled in for a very pleasant wait for the bus. After about 2 minutes I saw one of my neighbors coming out of my road probably out for a walk or to post a letter I thought. As she progressed it dawned on me that she may be getting the same bus as me. (I should state here that I am not a normal man I am quite confident that I am a 12 year old boy born in 1920 trapped inside the body of a man born in the 1980's so naturally I am not to good at intergenerational pleasantries, or any pleasantries really). Then as she looked to cross the road it became obvious that she was.

I am never sure of the distance it is appropriate to acknowledge that you have noticed and know the person, is it when you first see them but cannot be heard, if so then you must some how be friendly, not aloof, not over attentive for the time between the greeting and the passing. today I chose wrong she was crossing the road and I did the eyebrow and chin lift hi just before I thought that she was going to cross, she did not cross at that time so I had to pretend to be intently watching a car as it drove down the road. I did this four or five times.

So she finally crossed the road (I duno why I put a paragraph break there, it just looked like alot of text in one chunk) and I said hi to this woman who I have nothing in common with, I once spent a summer playing cricket with her daughter, occasionally her and my mother converse since I became an adult(30th January 2002) I chip in sometimes (I had to restrain my self from releasing the diatribe of bile and hate that was running through my mind when we last met, she said that they were having Christmas dinner on Christmas eve rather than Christmas day, I mean really!). So as she moves towards the bus stop I get more and more nervous, what should I do. Should I chat about her church or my job should we sit together on the little bench, or should we stand there in silence. I elected for the latter, but I realised to late that the way I have been standing is very rude and that can't move for fear of being embroiled in a discussion about her, or even worse my life. I am now worried about everything I do. I have to listen to two crap songs on my ipod because I’m scared that looking at my ipod may be rude same goes for the watch so I can't tell if the bus is late or not.

When the bus comes I get on first to an empty bus this provides me with a quandary which seat to sit in that does not offend the wench that has chosen to get my bus. I choose the high back seat that is on the lower level so it's comfortable and unusually enough so she can see why I chose it and not raised so she is intimidated. I sit down feeling smug that I have made the right decision. She gets on and sits down on the seats at the front that face the side and turns her back to me! The journey continues more people get on I think about what I am going to write in my blog. She gets off at the high street a twenty minute walk that I took earlier that day. Why did she put me though all that to save a twenty minute walk? bint

Apple

Today I got to the stop and found that someone had thrown an apple at my leaning spot (have I mentioned my leaning spot before? it's where I lean because I can't see out of the window when I sit). So the corner that I lean in is now covered with mushy apple. I’m beginning to think that I have an evil stalker who is trying to make the bus stop uncomfortable for me to use, maybe a raving Thatcherite who is trying to undermine public transport passenger by passenger. Think I’m paranoid? lets look at the evidence, first the seat has sections that are covered in bird feces when there is a roof on the shelter so no bird could naturally defecate on that seat, second the graffiti that makes it impossible to see the bus when you do find a portion of the seat to perch on, and now when I find the only comfortable place to stand in the shelter it is covered in apple MY ACHILIES HEEL (I’m allergic to apple. Still think I’m crazy?

All old man and trousers

The bus was quite empty today, which is why I was somewhat surprised that an old man decided to ignore all the empty seats and basic bus etiquette in choosing to sit next to me. He wasn't that big and didn't smell but I was uncomfortable for about half an hour trying to anticipate every move and lurch of the bus and adjust so that I didn't lean unnecessary into him.

On the bus ride home I remembered that during my lunch break I had to go to the loo, I wore my ipod as I usually do, I was wearing new 100% polyester (£19.50 m&s bargain) trousers as I took them down ipod in pocket headphones in ear I could actually hear the static electricity through my headphones, interesting no?

Confused.com

I'm not sure what happened on the bus today. One version would be that after getting on the bus and handing the driver £10.10 for my £5.10 fare we both engaged in light hearted banter about the difference between the price and value of the journey. Another and just as likely retelling of events is that after handing the driver my hard earned £10.10 for my £5.10 fare he proceeded the horang me (even after I sat down) for not providing the exact change and then go on to make derogatory remarks about my home town. The bus was three minutes early.

Newtons revenge

I like nice bus drivers, I like them more than I should because the bad ones are so bad the good ones look like gods in comparison. Today I had one of these deities of the road who I feel deserves some praise so praise I shall.

The bus was a little bit late which put me in a bad mood already cos it was after a long day at work. Every passenger (or customer as we are no doubt known by the shareholders who make slaves of us all) in front of me had an intricate yet pointless task to undertake during boarding. This also annoyed me. that is until I saw how the driver was dealing with every passenger with good humor cheer and patience, the traveler in front of me was trying to get a season ticket thing that cost £25 so presented him with £20 and £5 notes instead of dismissing this frankly foolish man he took the money and gently informed him of first groups policy of higher denominations of perfectly legal tender. I got on the bus gave my ticket he leaned on the horn made me jump and us both laugh.

I don't know how much you, my readers travel on a bus, maybe never, for us seasoned bus users we are aware that from time to time the bus has to stop for traffic lights bus stops and that. I only say this because some people do not know, most notably the bint sitting across the isle from me. The bus came to a stop at the traffic lights and the aforementioned bint's ill stowed luggage fell from seat to floor, of course she shouted at the driver something in bristolian about not stopping for red lights he shouted back something equally indecipherable to which she replied but by that time I had lost interest. she disappeared up stairs.

got off I said thanx, driver said night (how nice)

One fat lady

Today on the way home the driver missed a turn and didn't realise so a fat lady in the front had to shout "you've missed the turn" at him. i got home 5 mins late.

On The Walk Today

It was my day off today so I decided to take a nice scenic walk. I wanted to go on a walk for many reasons; to be on my own, get some exercise and most of all have a look at the nice view. So I set off on my walk towards the best view near me, I walked for an hour across fields along roads over streams and through hedges of various coarseness. When I got there their was a woman in the best spot, so I stood the other side of a nearby hedge looked at a substandard view and tried to pretend that the woman wasn't there. I looked for about a min then walked home.

Totter

today and old woman took a full 10 seconds to get up totter across the isle of the moving bus to ring a bell that had already been rung.

Shelter, chavs and kids

The bus stop closest to my house has a shelter which is very nice if it's cold and rainy as it was today. This shelter has 3 and half walls, a roof, a bench and some Perspex windows, through all but one of these windows the waiter (for a bus not at a table) has a majestic view of the surrounding vista trees, fields and 1970's houses. It really is quite relaxing to sit there and wait. that is of course unless you are waiting for… a bus because one of the windows is out of action, obscured by some indecipherable graffiti which has not been fixed for about 6 months now (I have a good mind to creep out in the dead of night with some turps and rectifying it myself).

So today I got on the bus after having to stand for about 5 minutes waiting for the bus as I cannot see the bus coming when I make use of the seat. As soon as I saw the bus today I noticed that something was up, the bus was unusually full and a short distance into the ride I realised why. CHAVS a heard of about 5 or 6 chavs aged far to young to be riding a bus at ten past nine (or as I like to think of it quarter past when they should have been in school). so I was relatively annoyed by having to site next to a fellow passenger due to these people, this was only increased by there incessant talking and generally jollity which forced me to turn up my ipod to an uncomfortable level but even that did not drown out there noise.

Some of the windows were open in the bus which it idiotic because it was cold and raining.

Got off before the chavs so I don't know where they were going, which annoys me. Said thanx to the driver and got on with my day.

On the way home the bus was fuller than usually again thanx this time to a different set of kids who were not as loud even though they were on their way to a party. They did take alot of time to get off which pissed me off cos the bus was abit late and I thought I might miss the Chelsea barca kick off (but luckily that was delayed). I was abit confused looking for the bus stop as I was on the other side of the bus from normal but it did make the journey abit different and more interesting.

Got off the bus turned to the driver and said thanx mate

On the bus today

Today the bus was pretty much on time, which was nice. In order to get a ticket I had to repeat myself 3 times, This was the bus drivers fault as i buy a ticket the same way every day with little to no problem (bloody incompitent drivers). Some one was on my prefered and second fav seat so i took my free paper and sat on the third option (a bit close to the front for my liking and does not have a head reast thing but has easy access to a bell and an unobstructed window). about five mins in a scruffy bloke who stank of HORRIBLE 'backy sat on the seat right in front of me ,so i had to endure his stench for 25 mins ( i could have moved seats but it would have resulted in dissapproving looks from the other passengers who i knew already blamed me for the ticket buying fiasco)

the drive was pretty uneventfull from then on the bus driver got abit pissed off from some other drivers cutting him up which cheered me up a bit.

got off the bus didn't say thanx.